KGB photo of “Carter” shaking hands with Soviet Premier Leonid Brezhnev
Boycott, Soviet Hero
“Jimmy Carter,” born Dmitrii Smenolov in the northern Russian city of Arkhangelsk, was recruited as a child as part of the elite Soviet Kiddie Transfer program. Founded in 1934, the program used adult agents who had infiltrated the U.S. to snap photos of hundreds of small American children, which would then be compared to Russian children for similarities in overall appearance. When a near-match was discovered, the Soviets would spend a year training the Soviet youth to assume the American child’s identity. If the student showed ability at mimicry, and his or her appearance didn’t diverge too greatly from their American counterpart during the training year, the Soviets would initiate stage two. Using a cadre of KGB special forces, they would kidnap the American child and swap in the Russian. The new child would then spend his life in America infiltrating the culture and placing himself in position to sabotage the U.S. government.
In the 50 years of its existence, the Soviets would only initiate 16 actual kidnaps, and only 10 would be successful. Of those 10, four would never rise to sufficient status to have any significant effect, three would defect to the new country, and two would die from chronic bullying because they were complete Soviet nerds. Only Smenolov, who replaced a peanut farmer named Jimmy Carter, would succeed- and spectacularly. By 1976, the unassuming Georgian had ascended to the position of the U.S. presidency. (The original Jimmy Carter became a so-so laborer in Siberia.)
The Soviets, so psyched about Smenolov winning the election that they didn’t really know what to do, wasted much of his first term. But they saw a chance for an extreme coup in 1980, the fourth year of Carter’s presidency. The Olympic Games would be held in Moscow that year, and the American hurdling champion Edwin Moses was sure to win the 400-meter hurdles, as he’d done in 1976 and would again in 1984. Soviet Premier Leonid Brezhnev desperately wanted his nephew Vasyl Arkhypenko to win the event, but knew it would be impossible with Moses running against him. As the situation grew desperate, he formulated a simple but effective plan- “Jimmy Carter,” the U.S. President, would come up with an excuse to boycott the Moscow Olympics. That way, Moses wouldn’t be able to participate, and Arkhypenko would have a clear path to gold.
Following his orders, “Carter” made up some nonsense about a war in Afghanistan, and in February 1980 the United States officially pulled out of the Games. Amazingly, they were joined by 64 other countries, a fact that delighted Brezhnev. This would be the easiest gold yet.
But on the day of the event, Arkhypenko finished second to East German hurdler Volker Beck. “Are you fucking kidding me?!” Brezhnev famously shouted, from the premier’s box. “I organize a fucking boycott and a fucking East German fucks it up?! That is really…that is something else, guys. That is really irritating, you know?” He then prepared war plans againt East Germany, and was only dissuaded at the last minute by his advisory board. Still, Volker Beck was shot and killed after a Soviet Kangaroo Court declared he was “an enemy of the state, and a complete dick.”
Motivated by his loss and the convenient death of Beck, Arkhypenko actually started training like crazy over the next four years and was the favorite to the win the event at the Olympics in Los Angeles. But American spy Teddy Mancuso, who had gone through the American equivalent of the Soviet Kiddie Transfer program- called “Franklin’s Kids,” since FDR included the program as part of the New Deal- was in place to foil him. By 1984, he was known in the Soviet Union as “President Mikhail Gorbachev,” and was ordered by Ronald Reagan to boycott the Los Angeles Games. Reagan knew that if the Soviets weren’t around, his nephew Danny Harris would win the gold in the 400-meter hurdles for sure.
“Gorbachev” followed orders, inventing some nonsense about how Soviet athletes would be massacred due to anti-Soviet hysteria, and in May they officially dropped out of the Games. Amazingly, they were joined by 10 other countries, a fact that delighted Reagan. His nephew’s gold was as good as won.
But on the day of the event, Edwin Moses won the hurdles, relegating Danny Harris to silver. “This cannot be fucking happening!” Reagan famously shouted, from the president’s box. “How fucking old is Edwin Moses, 90?! This is super annoying, guys. It is really fucking aggravating that another American beat my nephew. Like, what the fuck? Why did I even order the boycott, you know? What was the point? I would rather that Soviet bastard win than Edwin fucking Moses. FUCK!”
A few years later, “Gorbachev” surrendered to America even though the Soviets were winning the Cold War and President George Bush was learning Russian in hopes that he wouldn’t be executed when they finally invaded America.
On his death bed in 1982, Leonid Brezhnev summed up the whole situation with a last bitter regret: “I only wish that we had done way more after getting a Soviet spy into the office of the American presidency. I mean, why were we so crazed about the 400-meter hurdles? We could’ve had Smenolov nuclear bomb his own country, or something. I don’t know. I just…with hindsight, wow. Wow. Really blew that one. Reallllly should have done more. And my nephew didn’t even win the gold, which is still, two years later, so fucking annoying. East Germany, right? Thanks guys. Thanks for being in the Soviet bloc. Always a pleasure. Assholes. But that’s okay. I won’t live to see it, but I’m sure my nephew will win in Los Angeles. He’s been training so hard.”